I didn’t go to work today I took a sick day. The pain in my head this morning was just too bad to deal with. I have been having so many migraines lately. They are getting really bad again. I am going to have to start taking Topamax again. It helped a lot last time to reduce the amount of times that I was having them. So I am going to hope for the best this time around. I just wish all of these health issues would go away.  Maybe one day I will have a normal life again but what is normal anyway?

 I also picked up my CPAP machine for my sleep apnea last night. It is so strange using it and I am not use to sleeping on my back but to sleep and actually dream; then to wake up and actually feel rested. I can’t describe that kind of feeling. Though I only got about 4.5 hours sleep last night since I was sucked in to the football game that was on.  I am hoping for the best though since both doctors claim that this machine is life changing and I already am beyond sleep deprived from this condition. I can say that I do have a great deal more mental clarity than I usually have.

I feel like my life is such a mess right now due to all of these health issues. I am so thankful that my heart operation from last month went so well and that at least the issue with the hole in my heart valve is resolved. However my back is in very bad shape and I am supposed to meet with a neurosurgeon in the next month or so. However my neurologist suggested that I go to a weight clinic so that I can continue to lose weight since I am at a plateau at the moment.  Over the last few years I have lost over 150lbs and have managed to keep it off but ideally if I could lose 70 – 100 more I would meet the proper weight standards for my height. In addition to this if I had the operation after weight loss it would be a more successful operation and possibly reduce some of the healing time.  

In my mind I know that deep down now is the time in my life to make changes. I am not getting any younger and I feel like I am at a massive cross road.  I need to evaluate my job and find a better paying one (however it needs to be one that I can physically handle until I can get my back fixed.) I need to seriously save for the future as of right now I am on my own.  

I love my partner tremendously however I don’t know if he is going to be the one that I am meant to be with in the future. At one time we talked about marriage but his heart is no longer in it.  My fear is that what if the operations on my back are not successful and my mobility only gets worse over time. Will I have someone to help me? Or do you dare put that on a partner? I am at a loss I have always been very independent but deep down I am scared. I don’t know if either one of us is ready to step up to the plate. Only time will tell I guess. 

Also we have so much fun just like we did in our high school days, we laugh we joke, but lately we have just resulted to laying around the house on the weekends. The romance is essentially dead. I am not talking about the physical aspect just the romantic side that every woman craves. The lovely forget me not words, the good morning texts, and the flowers… that kind of thing.

 

I swear it’s the pieces in me but I NEED romance in my life. I crave it like the flowers need the rain.

I wish that I could just be whisked out of my life and transplanted somewhere else, somewhere fresh. Is that running away from my problems or starting a new adventure? I guess it depends on how I look at it.

Either way something is going to happen because this stone is not going to gather any moss and I am going to keep down the path….the question is which one.

**Also I voted today there were other important issues on the ballet that needed to be addressed**